The last month or so, out of nowhere, I found myself feeling very regressed in my growth and mental health. It was like I had time traveled to a frame of mind before I “did the work.” It was confusing and frustrating not being able to pin point it. All I could name was what I was felling and experiencing. Confusion. Reactive to triggers. Insecure as fuck. Angry, very angry. Suicidal thoughts. So so jumpy. Obsessing over every micro expressions I see in people. It’s been more scary now with masks because I can’t fucking see anyone’s expressions. Nothing felt safe. No one felt safe. I didn’t feel safe. It took talking to my therapist to catch on to what’s going on.
Recently, I experienced a trigger. When I broke up with my ex months ago, his emotional abuse turned physical and I literally had to fight this person out of my home. Then about a month ago, he showed at my house trying to reconcile, and when I turned him down, he again became violent and threatening. In total, I thankfully walked away with only some bruises and some broken household items but had a sense of empowerment that I have never felt before. I truly have never been more proud of myself. Soon enough though, the amount of pride and strength I was feeling started to fade away fast and I since have found myself feeling all the symptoms of trauma.
The days following this realization left me broken wide open. I was being very hard on myself. Questions like, How did I not see this coming? Why do I continue to experience abuse in nearly every relationship? How do I know if a person is safe? What the fuck is my lesson? It’s a heartache x1000 trying to start over. I hate being vulnerable anymore. I feel sick thinking about meeting new people. Trying the whole trust thing out. However, all this is just a distraction to keep myself from looking at the reality. I do know the difference, I just, in the past didn’t listen to my instinct because of mother fucking fear. Not being honest and confident with myself gives me opportunity to put that anxiety onto others, counting on them to assure my safety.
“The point of healing from trauma is to learn to work with and understand our triggers. The trauma will always exist in our body, no matter the kind, even if verbal. We can heal and have our past far behind us and still have triggers, unhealthy brain patterns, etc arise. It takes regular practice to stay in a healthier mind.”
I wrote that 3 weeks ago as just some random thoughts that were stirring about, but as time passed, I realize that was just my subconscious working before my conscious. Then about a week ago I wrote “No such thing as a safe space, just a safe mind.” Through all this, I’m realizing that my safe space IS IN MY MIND. My discernment. My ability to protect myself verbally and physically. I know who is safe. I know who has good intentions for me. Wants to love me. Wants to grow with me. I need to stay firm in this. Staying firm allows room for all of the above. It gives space for patience. That’s the safe space...not just for me but for everyone I relate with.
To the little girl who helped me find my way, you can just rest now. You can just sit back and feel all the love you’ve always felt deprived of.
It’s there. It’s waiting. It wants you.
“I'm going crazy out of my control
But there's nothing I can do, I have no choice but to let it go
Each day gets a little less intense
I no longer feel like there's someone standing on my chest
You made me more me, and I won't forget the times you helped my find my feet
When I was buried in my head
Thank you, for giving what you had to give
Taking what you had to take,
And making me believe in you.
Even though I might be gone forever there will always be a place in my brain that will think of you.
You look so graceful when you're flying
Keep going, there's a lot of world that you haven't seen,
You have my best wishes, even if only in silence, you deserve everything that you've ever dreamed.”
By the Throat - Eyedea